The Demons in my Mind

Brightness and the dark are at war, both in a mood to kill. My eyes are numb,staring at nothingness for no apparent intellectual thrill. A reason to sleep and sometimes a reason to be awake. My dreams are no longer for sale, for I cease to buy.They do have fun,the demons in my mind.

As prisoners of affection and a victim of earthly laws; wonder why hearts are made. Nothing is permanent. I am told ,this is wisdom a man should learn. How love becomes a reason to smile and how sometimes it becomes a reason to cry. I am no longer perfect, for I cease to love. They do have fun, the demons in my mind.

Fragments of hope here and there, the curve on my lips is very rare. How memories become a reason to rejoice and how sometimes they become a burden till eternity. My fantasies are no longer real, for I cease to imagine. They do have fun, the demons in my mind.

Its an unending menace, their being demand a piece of my ever dwindling energy.Sanity sometimes prevails and the same sanity sometimes destroys what I am left with; my existence. My inspirations are no longer a treasure, for I cease to dream.They do have fun,the demons in my mind.

Laughing humanity, its tongue tied. A slave of expectation, my laurels are bartered. Truth always beseeching the truth. How conscience fears the silence and how sometimes silence fears the conscience.My life no longer gallops, for I cease to reign.They do have fun, the demons in my mind.

The heaviness in my head,the never ending cacophony.Shut up, Shut up; something shouts deep inside me. Numbness comes at a price and my feelings are way too poor.My logic is my biggest support and sometimes my biggest enemy. My thoughts are no longer my slaves, for I cease to rule. They do have fun, the demons in my mind.

Satan whispers the tricks of the trade. Death, painless and quick in my fate. Its only the beginning that the end does fear. Funny are the laws of desire. I am no longer alive, for I cease to be immortal.They do have fun, the demons in my mind.

Talk to me O` demons,I will tolerate you. Life provides an opportunity to triumph and sometimes an opportunity to lose. I am no longer human, for I cease to exist. I ain`t a demon though. I ain`t a demon though. Nevertheless have fun, O` the demons in my mind.

Tyranny of Ifs and Buts..Pun Intended

( see the previous post " Genius of the 'AND' " and " Tyranny of The 'OR' " )

Somebody commented on it about 'IF' producing similar effects. The below is my reply to it.

I do get it when you mention 'IF'. To be honest, we are limited not by our thoughts, but by the language of our thoughts. To be precise, we are limited by our own language.

To second what I said above; infants do what they want, what they will. They are instinctive and to top it, they are not limited. To think about it, they do not possess what we proudly flash as 'logic' and 'language'. Over the years, they become mature and GAIN the language of 'AND', 'OR', 'IF', 'BUT' and guess what, they LOSE what is innate; their fullest self expression. (The irony of 'gain' and 'lose'… if you got what I said. There is always a balance. You gain something to lose something. When I gain knowledge, I lose ignorance about that knowledge. When I gain money, I lose sleep over it. When I lose money, I gain sleeplessness :D, You don’t have a choice, you are sleepless anyways. )

Why we are the way we are is wholly a different topic all together. But to summarize it, every human being on planet earth wants to 'LOOK GOOD'. It is this factor that runs, which commands, all the facets of life.

We are slaves of what I call 'WHAT IS NOT' syndrome. We are slaves of money and ambition. Why? Is it because we do not possess it? As is said, every finish line is the beginning of a new race; there won’t be dearth of ambitions, unless you are a lunatic. As far as money is concerned, we tend to see” WHAT IS NOT" rather than "WHAT IS". It will never be enough.

Picture this.
=="IF I was handsome, I would have had a very beautiful wife"
=="IF I had studied well, I would have gotten a good job"
=="IF I was not a lunatic, I would have been a philosopher"...well, it does not matter much, philosophers are lunatics anyways.
==”IF everything goes fine, I will get what I want”

Now picture this,
==” I was handsome, BUT I did not get a beautiful wife”
==” I excelled in my studies, BUT I don’t have a good job”
==” I am not a lunatic, BUT I am not a philosopher”
==” Everything is fine, BUT I feel there is something missing”


Analyzing IFs and BUTs, they exist as a form in the past and in the future. "IF" is a tool for the mind to escape, to escape the inevitable. ”BUT” is a tool for the mind to invent, to invent reasons. They are very much valid. At the same time they are powerless. They just leave the entire deal on the situation; the situation controlling rather than you controlling the situation. In my opinion, "IF" imposes, it imposes conditionality. "BUT" defies, it defies possibility.

We are not afraid of what we can do rather we are afraid of what we cannot do.

So, if you are thinking, how do I break free from this tyranny? The solution is to be inspired. IFs and BUTs do not pollute the inspired heart.

Picture this…
==” I have a very beautiful wife”
==” I have a very good job”
==” I am a philosopher”
==” Everything is fine”

A Prisoner of Measurement

I look down on the jagged rocks,
leaning over a crooked cliff;
Stunningly beautiful expanse mocks,
at the melancholy whiff

Whispering wind, hymns of the stream,
Oblivion engulfs the beyond unseen;
Clouds dance in the red and yellow,
Humiliated emotions in a gloomy wallow

O fate, let me strike a deal;
Time did promise ,it will heal,
but my love was profound
and the hurt grows unbound

Depression is an accomplice,
deep inside me it does dwell;
My soul good at barter,
always finds a reason to sell

A need for life and a desire for death,
I take one last breath;
Pebbles roll on the perilous steep,
Beauty buzy in its mysterious weep

The sun shimmers into my deep eyes,
Tears, tumultous wind patiently dries
Silent was the falling smile,
heart does rapidly beat for a while

In the cosmic grip of everlasting laws,
relive all my happiness in that pause;
My existence scattered in the firmament,
I escape being a prisoner of measurement

My existence scattered in the firmament,
I escape being a prisoner of measurement

In The End I`ll Live

Melancholy darkness mourns,
the death of another day
Heavenly melody of birds,
in complete disarray

Troubled heart mourns,
the death of another hope
Distinct memories of laughter,
humid eyes unable to cope

The night has thousand eyes,
the day has but one,
The light of the bright world dies,
with the dying sun

The heart has thousand I`s
'YOU', it has but one,
The essence of the whole life dies
when the love is done

The sea rock braves, but dissolves
in the waves, powered by the tempest;
Reality hits me; alone I am standing
dissolving in the tears of understanding

You will find another love,
With pity and sympathy, I am told;
my fate laughs and tells me,
I will die alone

No longer will i cry
or ask for help from above
Nor O fate, I will forgive
But I know, in the end i`ll live

But I know, in the end i`ll live

--------------------------------------

I'd acknowledge Francis William Bourdillon, for he subconsciously inspired me with his thoughts for this poem..

My Reply To a Poem

(Thought I`ll comment on the poem written by a friend ,in the language that I know best ....)

FRIEND`S POEM
=============

Standing at your door !! Please open my dear !!

Though i stand at your door
i dont knock out of a little fear

It has been a long year
and i have been learning to keep this far

wishes once so demanding like a chilled opened beer
aging into wine getting smoother and smoother

the distace has vanished and my crazy cravings disappear
and i dont miss you that much any more.

for i have created a smiling you out of my little memoir
and my obsessions, in a weird rhythmic way i got over

The eye is not that playful any more
it's become steady and getting deeper.

I have grown a hairy beard and cut short my hair
and many times find you behind the mirror

I still stand like i used to at your door
though turned silent and dont knock out of a little fear.

but i dont know who you would like to meet an old friend or a stranger
and i have turned silent and dont knock out of a little fear.

Peep through the spying lens of the door
If you still find a friend plaese open my dear !!!


MY REPLY
========

The protagonist, behind closed doors...

I stare at the door,
feel the emptiness within;
I see it with a little tear,
making inroads through my skin

It`s been a long year
Why does he not drop by?
I am not sure,
Why doesn`t he knock and say 'hi'?

Wishes, once like a child,
waiting to be born
my cravings have become numb
and my heart is torn

I miss you a lot dear,
I`ll think of you till eternity
Let me revel,
in the pages of serenity

I ain`t myself anymore
how can i be?
thoughts though silent
I am just not me

Peep in my heart and listen to it beat
I am there near the door.
Please don`t fear;
If you still want a friend please knock,my dear

The Bird Story

( An attempt to get into something more creative )




It is minutes away from sunset. Feeling the warm tinge on my face, and me bathing in the golden, I realise the wind is at its mischievous best. The sun rays are playing hide and seek from behind the monument;like a kid waiting to get discovered .

I look towards the sky, and watch the lazy clouds go by.

My eyes fix on a lonely eagle; flapping its wings and gliding away to glory. For 10 minutes, it went on to discovering new pockets of air , making new patterns at ease. It was as if , it was dancing in the air with me being the choreographer.

I wondered why it was having fun alone? Is it searching for something? Where does it want to go? Something struck me, and I smiled. I realised that it was not alone, it had the sun, the wind, the high rise buildings and most importantly ME to give it company. It was just utilising each and every moment to the maximum.

It did find its partner after a while, and they flew high , very high to return to their abodes. Letting a sigh, I donno how long I then stared at the setting sun, wondering as to how I am gonna illuminate my lonely heart with its rays.....

In The Sands of Time !!!

A blanket of stars,
draping the scented beach;
Thoughts, beautiful, a few,
Them, left with no speech

Two lovers dressed in moonlight,
dancing beneath the dotted sky,
enchanting the beautiful night;
loneliness they sweetly defy

The winds rustic, the waves buoyant,
adding melody to the laughter ;
With the silver hair undone,
the magic had indeed begun

No mortal law to spoil the love,
Tired, knees in the sand, they lie
Smiles gracing crimson lips,
Drowning in the beauty of the eye

Up she rises to run with the wind
He, running closely behind
Chases her down, holds her hand
"I love you", and speaks his mind

Wrapped in their own light
The girl kisses the guy
A lovely sight and a hug, very warm
she, so cozy in his mighty arm

The universe bears the testament
to the love in its prime
A masterpiece is etched
In the sands of time

A masterpiece is etched
In the sands of time

--------------------------------------------

I'd like to acknowledge Arrica Wynn for her poem "Freedom" and inspiring me to write this piece - I picked a couple of lines from her poem http://www.poetrysoup.com/poems_poets/best/1358/arrica_wynn

ME??-WOW-I AM JUST AN AMAZING PRODUCT-WELL, WE ALL ARE!!!

"What do two atoms give?” quite an innocent question from my brother. A champ at chemistry that I was, at the dining table, I exclaimed “Molecule!! "." What do two molecules give?" was the next question. "Well, Compounds!!!” was my reaction. "What do two compounds give?” I was getting tired of it now. To put an end to it, I choked out "US!!!” There was silence. Little did I realize that I had opened up another box of pandemonium inside my head.

A net friend, curious on my userID asked me “So, do you like PANDEMONIUM?". My reply was on these lines, " I don’t like it, but I am intrigued by it coz it is the starting point of something inside my head that ultimately gives rise to UTOPIA; and I love being in there". As to how I jumped from pandemonium to utopia in the chemistry case, is intriguing in itself.

To begin with, for me to be me , trillions of drifting atoms had to somehow assemble in an intricate and obliging manner; to get to an arrangement so specialized and particular that it had never been tried before and it will exist only this once. For the next many years ( I hope so ) these atoms will uncomplainingly engage themselves in all the billions of deft, co-operative efforts necessary to keep me intact and let me experience the supremely agreeable but generally under appreciated state known as existence.

Why this trouble is taken is shrouded in mystery. Being me, myself, is not a gratifying experience at the atomic level. For all their devoted attention, my atoms don’t actually care about me. Indeed, they don’t even know that I am there. Lol, they don’t even know they are there. They are just mindless particles. Yet, when my time is near, they will betray me , then silently disassemble and go off to other things. As for the period of my existence, they will answer to a single rigid impulse, to keep me ME.

There is something very strikingly odd though. The same atoms that so liberally and congenially flocks together to form ME on planet earth are exactly the same atoms those decline to do it elsewhere in the universe. At the level of chemistry, life is fantastically mundane; You would need carbon, hydrogen, oxygen, nitrogen, calcium, sulphur, other ordinary elements (what did i miss? ) to create ME; elements very gettable from the nearby pharmacy. I guess the very special thing about the atoms that make ME is that they make ME. Welcome to the miracle of life.

So thank goodness (or rather godness ) for atoms. But guess what, the fact that atoms so willingly assemble to form ME is just a part of the story. To be here now , typing, and smart enough to know it , I had to be the beneficiary of an extraordinary string of biological good fortune.

Life on earth is kinda brief. It is a curious feature of our existence that we come from a planet that is very good at promoting life but even better at extinguishing it. Not only have I been lucky enough to be attached since time immemorial to a favored evolutionary line, but also have been extremely ( in fact miraculously ) fortunate in my personal ancestry. For a period of time older than the earth’s mountains, rivers and oceans, every one of my fore bearers on both sides has been attractive enough to find a partner, healthy enough to reproduce, and sufficiently blessed by fate and circumstances to live long enough to do so. Not one of them was squashed, devoured, drowned, starved, wounded or otherwise deflected from the life’s quest of delivering a tiny charge of genetic material to the right partner at the right moment to perpetuate the only sequence of hereditary combination that could result ( astoundingly and all too briefly) ; THAT IS MEeee. ( Don’t you guys think of it as something Godly? Don`t you get that kick here? Well, when I thought about it, I said 'wow')

Well, that is how I happened (That is how you all happened) .And that is how I reached from pandemonium to utopia in my head, with the feel good factor tugging me. I guess I will come across another stage of pandemonium in the near future. For now, atoms, my friend, carry on what you do the best, carry on making me ME, undisturbed.

HOW NASR HUSAMI GOT PISSED, GOT WILD, AND GOT A LIFE

Like all other days, today was not normal; It was way more than crazy. There were two incidents that happened that beautifully sums up the ridiculous. It’s got to do with the traffic clogger, The APSRTC BUS.

The morning was very fine, me in an upbeat mood riding my bike; till I came across this traffic stop. I stop myself near the left of this bus, a bus with relatively few people inside; waiting for the signal to turn green.

How would I have had ever realized that the craziness would take its roots then. On the green, I race my bike to get a move on, on my side of the road. I picked some speed and had gotten a little far. It was then that through the corner of my eye, I see someone jump on me. By some stroke of luck, my reflexes were not screwed up. I swerved, no idea where. Before I realized what had happened, I was on the pavement licking somebody’s foot. My slain bike was adding to the charm of the roadside stall. The culprit was squatted on the road trying to figure out as to what sort of lightning hit him. As I got up I recollected the scene in the movie “The Pursuit of Happyness “with the dialogues " Hey, ass****" , " Are you alright , ass****" . The dolt returned the favor of my courtesy by jumping on my bike, grabbing the keys and confronting me, looking down on my face.

Anybody with a wild imagination would guess what had happened. The brainless monkey had the nerve to jump from a running bus without even pausing a moment and thinking where he was gonna land. And now he had the audacity to confront me and hold me at fault. I was pissed; I did get a life (of course, you would not have been reading this otherwise). Both of us, including the bike were miraculously alright. Now I did something which I never did before to a stranger...I got wild. (l guess some unpleasant things in life happen for the first time without an invitation ). Confronted; I held him by his collar, my helmet held in an attacking mode, and shot out some lingo abuse.(yes, its censored here)..Well, he was equally competent. It wasn’t until the crowd that had gathered there( probably, to get their share of fun ) interrupted and made him realize his folly through more abuses; he returned my keys.

Another crazy incident happened as I was returning home the same day. It was to do with another idiot from the bus. Now this bald gherkin could not control his urge to spit his 'paan'. As he could not do this favor on the other baldy sitting opposite him or on the lady next to him, he spits outside. You need no prizes for guessing where the yuck falls. Yours truly was at the butt of another joke.

I was madly pissed, I was wild and I wanted to get a life, away from the crazy road and the buses. I decide to counter this stupidity through my Machine named 'TAME THE MONKEY'. Here is roughly how it should work.

1. All buses should have spittometers attached to the window frame. As soon as the dolt spits, the processor based system should pass an electric signal to the electrodes beneath his bus seat; the moment he commits the folly, the butts would bear the brunt of his urge.

2. All buses should have a robotic hand near the door. The moment a dolt tries to jump like a monkey and commit a suicide, it should grab him from mid air, push him inside the bus and give him a sound thrashing.

The whole thing may sound ridiculous but it’s actually possible. We already have the technology and the ability to do it. It’s just that nobody gave a thought about it yet, until I was graced by the jumping jack and the wet paan. We can patent it. Anybody interested can get in touch with me and I’ll pay for the project. (Don’t you people feel better already?)

So, till the project is taken up and completed, I would pass a request to the government of Andhra Pradesh to paint every side of the APSRTC bus with the sign "Keep Distance --Loonies Inside"

(You all let me know if you need any clarification. It is 1:45 in the night and I typed this whole thing with a hazy mind. I initially wanted to make a figure for the machine, but I am too sleepy to do it....yawn......yaaaaawwwnnnn......damn you buses!!!)

INSPIRATION INSPIRES ME TO INSPIRE

"I must tell you, you really motivated me to start blogging and put my musings on web"

I received this message from a friend of mine, with whom I had lost touch (Hopefully, I will not lose touch again).There was something enchantingly beautiful in it which put me into a state of euphoria. It was to do with the word "motivate" or "inspire". I read the statement again...whoa...My mind was clouded with arrows of questions...How did I really inspire this guy? Can I really inspire? Well, did somebody inspire me too? What is the source of an inspiration? Was I inspired all my life? Etc...

To get to the root, I hit upon some beautiful thoughts, thoughts so beautiful that would inspire you, me and everyone for as long as language exists.

As a kid, I used to laugh a lot at a certain cartoon. It was Mickey Mouse’s exploits with his donkey in search of the unknown land. The donkey was funny. It would do no work and it was hungry. Mickey was smart; He took a carrot and dangled it in front of the donkey with a stick; just a little close in front of its mouth so that it is enticing enough and just a little far from its mouth so that its not reachable. Guess what; the donkey ran, it ran like it never ran before, all in the pursuit of the never reachable carrot. Well, I don’t recollect the name of the donkey, but I can safely assume that the donkey is you, me and everybody else. Yes, you read it right, we are donkeys; most of the time. You want to know why? Read on...

To inspire is to stimulate somebody to do something. To entice is to tempt somebody by offering something attractive. Now, there is a fine line between getting stimulated and getting tempted. The line lies in the way we live our life. When we were kids, mugging and struggling with studies, there was a voice that said,” study well, otherwise I will not be successful"(success being the carrot, enticing);the voice never said,” study well, coz I see myself as the possibility of being a great leader"(this statement makes you dream, it inspires you beyond success). When you did not eat well, the voice said, "Eat well, otherwise I will not be strong"(strength being the carrot, enticing), the voice never said, "Eat well, coz I see myself as a possibility of a superhuman"(this statement inspires you beyond strength). When you were in your college, the voice said, "prepare well, I have to get a good job"(job being the carrot, enticing), the voice never said, "prepare well, I see myself as the possibility of being the next Bill Gates"(this statement inspires you beyond a job). When you are on the job, the voice says, "perform well, I have to get a promotion and a fat pay packet"(promotion and pay packet being the carrots, enticing), the voice never said,” perform well, I see myself as the possibility of being the next CEO of the company"( this statement inspires you beyond promotion and pay packet).......If we think about it, its life dangling the carrot in front of us and we running behind the carrot all through. We will never stop till we die because carrots will never get over.

In art, be it writing or any other form, the hand can never execute anything higher than the heart can inspire. Inspiration just happens, it is not imposed, it comes from within, within the heart. When I started writing, I was inspired by my bosom buddy, a very special friend, a very good writer. I invented the possibility of being an extra ordinary writer (this is my inspiration). When I started thinking, I was inspired by my father, a very special person. I invented the possibility of being an extra ordinary thinker (this is my inspiration). Now, they were inspired by someone too. It made me realize that inspiration is energy. It just gets transferred to you from multiple sources, from within you, through various ways. And the beauty is , it is transferable, without you losing it. Somebody else gets inspired because you cared to be inspired. Amazingly, inspiration is nature’s way of stimulating each and every human being on planet earth towards an extraordinary goal.

John Quincy said "If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader". A true leader inspires. The actors with their pre war dialogues in movies like "300","Brave Heart","Gladiator","Independence day","The Matrix","Rang de Basanti","A Beautiful Mind" inspire. You can feel inspiration. It is as if a box inside the heart is let open and there is something that immediately swarms your entire body, a soothing wave, a rush of adrenalin, that makes you punch your fist in the air and makes you shout at the top of the voice, till your voice cracks " Oh, Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh, I can do it too, Wooooh!!!!"

The moral of the story is, search for inspiration and not for carrots. I see myself as the one, who runs inspired, inspiring and scaling new heights, challenging the winds blown by life.

"GENIUS OF THE AND" AND "TYRANNY OF THE OR"

It was weekend, the time when like minded weirdos (friends) discuss (waste time) as to where there is a high probability of having loads of fun. "Let’s go check out the new mall", a weirdo announced. "Let’s catch a movie", one blurted out. "I’ll die if I don’t have an ice-cream", someone screamed. It wasn’t before an uncanny silence prompted me to lift my head from the deep and comfortable recess of a leather sofa, I noticed all eyes were on me. I guessed it was my turn to speak. (Yes, I am the leader of the weirdo gang and apparently, in which damn book is it written that it is mandatory for the leader to be involved in worthless discussions). "Well, let’s go to all the places discussed". I think nobody spoke for 0.0005 seconds, during which I managed to read their faces "Has he gone nuts!!!" "He is crazy!!!" “Another weirdo would make a good leader!!!" . And before anybody could react I said," We will have triple the fun; we have money; we have time to waste; no big deal". Now everyone was eyeing each other, each trying to figure out as to how the other person actually won. As I got up to leave, I was grinning like a smiley; I knew I had used the "Genius of the AND" 

It all began the day before. I was going through my childhood pics and I was reminded of a certain incident that had happened long back. I was offered two chocs by a distant relative and I had to open one of his fists to get my catch. I did open one and to my dismay I did not find the choc. A child that I was, particularly a naughty one, I split open his second fist very much like a crowbar with all my childish energy and realised that the bugger did not have a choc at all. A cheap trick. I had realized then that when a choice is presented to me,I go for all the choices coz I never know what I might get into. So, if any smart relative tried to play the same trick on me, I knew what I had to do.

At some point of time as I grew, the 23 year old me, missed the trick. It was when as a kid,I saw two mouth watering cakes in the sweet shop and I egged my mom to buy me both, I got one and a "Beta , you will get the silver one OR the golden one". It was when I had to decide where my career would go, I got "You can either become a doctor OR an engineer, you can’t be both". It was when I told a dolt, " I am currently in the share market", I got "Dude, you are an electronic engineer".....All my life I had to undergo the "Tyranny of the OR".

It`s funny, most of us think that life details are always in black OR white. This type of thinking is everywhere we look, science, college textbooks, in our speech, in our thought process, in the speeches of our politicians “you’re either with us OR you’re with the enemies”, "Do this OR we’ll harm you ", "We can do Project A OR Project B" ,"Do you want more time OR more money?" ,"You can have a great marriage and average career OR an average marriage and great career", " Win OR lose”,” Yes OR No", "This OR That" ,it’s everywhere,” Tyranny of the OR" .

"Tyranny of the OR” is a rational view that cannot easily accept paradox; that cannot live with two seemingly contradictory forces or ideas at the same time. It pushes people to believe that things must be either A OR B, but not both. It is one of the roots of most of the systems that hurt people and their environment. A clear cut impediment towards progress.

If you look at highly visionary people, companies and scientists, they liberate themselves from this tyranny by invoking the "Genius of the AND". "I can have voice AND video on the same line", "I can study AND sleep at the same time"(Now where did I see it, oh yeah, the dolts in the classroom), " The company can undergo change AND be stable", " The company can have low cost AND high quality", "I can be conservative AND risky in the share market".

When I say "Genius of the AND”, I don’t intend to mean a 'balance'. Balance is 50 50, half half. A visionary person or organization does not intend to strike a balance between the cost and the quality. It seeks to do well in the cost AND it seeks to do well in the quality. When I mention AND here, I am talking about being in the extreme.

As Scott Fitzgerald pointed out very beautifully, "The test of a first rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function."

For once when I said, "I’ll go for Aishwarya OR Preeti for the Filmfare" , the dolt reacted the way he would- "Dude, Can both get it?"

THE BEAUTY IN MY SILENCE

"My personal hobbies are Reading, listening , and silence"

As is the case, most times, its the question rather than an answer that is intriguing. I was asked "Why are you silent?"...It got me thinking... What is, why is, Where is silence? And as i got sucked into the thought process, I realised it has a different meaning for different human beings. I delved deeper and came out with words which describe silence. I wondered; we have comfortable silence, utter silence, numb silence, hushed silence, pregnant silence, musical silence,impregnable silence, disturbing silence, deathly silence..blah blah blah. Something told me , these are all worldly and physical. I need to search for that silence which has no adjectives..Hmmm...Click...Hurray, i got it....Only that silence has a meaning wherein one becomes silence itself..So if you ask me,"Who am i?" one of the many answers you will get is "I am my silence".

Thus began the search for the beauty in me, the beauty in my silence...

I tried to portray it in my short and sweet poems..tried to untangle the mystery of silence..If you are reading this post till the end, I do know of one thing; you will be silent throughout..That does say a lot about you..Minds are read without one saying anything. In silence are carried, the world`s most amazing conversations..Yes, am ready to converse with you.

BEAUTIFUL IS THE CHILD,
INNOCENCE WRIT ON HIS FACE.
WONDERING AT THE TOY SHAPE,
PLAYING AT SUCH A CUTE PACE

I LET OUT MUSIC,
HIS ATTENTION,I MUST HAVE;
REACHES OUT AT MY FINGER
AND SO SWEETLY GRABS

THE BEAUTY IN MY SILENCE, I AM SO COMFORTABLY NUMB;
I DO KNOW NOW,
THE SILENCE HAS BEGUN

"Under all speech that is good for anything there lies a silence that is better. Silence is deep as Eternity; speech is shallow as Time."

SILENT, THE BUTTERFLY GAZES
AT A BUD, STRIVING TO BLOOM,
SILENT, THE THIRSTY EARTH WAITS,
TO SPREAD FRAGRANCE OF SAND PERFUME

MELANCHOLY CLOUDS,DARK AND BARE,
BEFORE THE STORM, LULL OF SILENCE EVERYWHERE
BEAUTIFUL THE RAIN, LOUD AND VIOLENT,
AMAZING IS THE RAINBOW, ALWAYS SILENT

THE BEAUTY IN MY SILENCE,
PAUSE BETWEEN THE SECOND`S HAND
AND ME THROWN INTO OBLIVION,
THE UNIVERSE GOES AS PLANNED

"But my words like silent raindrops fell, and echoed in the wells of silence."

AN OCCASIONAL GLANCE
JUST THE OTHER DAY,
NOTHING NOTEWORTHY
I HAD TO SAY

HER PLAYING A PEN
AND I WITH A BOOK,
OUR EYES MET
A KNOWING LOOK

DREAMS WERE SHARED
WE SPOKE FOR HOURS,
ABOUT OUR LIFE TOGETHER
AND THIS LOVE OF OURS

I SMILED COMFORTABLY,
SHE, A CONTENTED SIGH;
NO QUESTIONS OR ANSWERS,
WHAT, WHEN AND WHY

GLORY OF OUR PRESENCE,
NO WORDS SPOKEN;
THE BEAUTY IN OUR SILENCE,
THE SILENCE UN-BROKEN

"Fools live to regret their words, wise men to regret their silence”

PAIN IN YOUR FACE,
WHY DO I SEE?
"IS SOMETHING WRONG?"
O, MY DEAR BUDDY

I PROMISE YOU,
SILENT I WILL NOT BE,
STAND UP AND FIGHT,
I WILL, WITH GLEE

TROUBLED HEART IF IT IS,
SILENT I WILL BE,
LISTEN TO YOU ALWAYS,
I KNOW YOU TRUST ME

THE BEAUTY IN OUR SILENCE,
PRESENT IN THE SPACE;
SHARING HAPPENS AT EASE,
WHILE BODIES EMBRACE

“Do not too hastily conclude that silence is indifference. Indifference is not to care, not to act, not even to think or breathe. Indifference is inhuman and inhumane. Silence, on the other hand, is almost always premeditated, a willful act. Without silence there would be no sound.”

AM KNEELING DOWN,
HANDS RAISED TOGETHER,
PRAYERS BUSY COMMUNICATING,
OVERWHELMED BY THE GRANDEUR

THOUGH SILENT, HEARD
IN EVERY SOUND,
MASTER OF TOTALITY;
UNSEEN, YET SEEN ALL AROUND

I ALWAYS SEEK YOUR GUIDANCE,
O GOD, TOWARDS THE RIGHTEOUS PATH,
THE BEAUTY IN MY SILENCE,
SAVE ME FROM ALL WRATH

"The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention…. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words."

SILENCE DROWNS ME,
IT NESTLES IN MY SOUL,
MY BRAIN CHATTERS AWAY
AND MIND REMAINS COLD

SINCE BIRTH, DEEP IT DWELLS,
IT DOES HAVE A ROLE;
ME; IT KNOWS SO WELL,
SILENCE; ALWAYS PRESENT TO CONSOLE

SILENT,SILENCE GAZES AT THE FUTURE,
MY TEARS ARE SO DRY;
SILENT, SILENCE RELIVES THE PAST,
LEAVES A TWINKLE IN MY EYE

THE BEAUTY IN MY SILENCE
THERE TO STAY FOR LONG,
SILENCE IS JUST A MELODY,
LIFE, A BEAUTIFUL SONG

I have so much more to convey, but i guess I`ll have to end, 'the beauty in my silence'..I leave you here in the company of my thoughts.Hope, my silence inspires you to no end.. To sign off..

"In the womb of absolute silence resides all my creation."

IT WILL SOME DAY

A strange feeling from inside,
The insecurity in me,
My existence wants to hide,
No one is able to see

Before death and after birth,
My life is a mere interlude,
I am born on this earth,
To find nothing, but solitude

My thoughts are alone,
For your thoughts, they crave,
For you, my love,
One last kiss, I want to save

My heart beats alone,
For your beat, they crave,
For you, my love,
One last hug, I want before the grave.

To breathe is a pain,
It really does hurt,
My mind goes insane,
My body goes inert

With your eyes, beauty I see,
Blind in life, how can I be?
With every word that I speak,
In my legs, I go weak

I am all alone, set me free,
O death, why do u betray me?
With fate, I don’t agree,
Every second is an agony

My tears are tired, my soul scarred,
O death, please take me away,
Maybe, if I keep trying hard
It will some day

Maybe, if I keep trying hard
It will some day

OUT TO TAME THE TRAFFIC SNARLS

I finally gathered courage; courage to wade through the old city traffic during the peak hour. I felt like a warrior, a young and an inexperienced one at warfare, out to wage a battle against the tyranny of the four wheelers and heavy vehicles.

After a few tense moments and a deep breath, I look at my partner (my bike) and asked “Do you think you can go through this ordeal? You look pretty sick, you need energy (Petrol)". I was put at ease by the reply I received." My energy lies in the hands of my master. I am confident that I will be utilised in a manner which postpones the proposition of you walking me to the doctor (petrol pump)." I checked my partner’s pulse, put on my helmet saying out a small prayer.My confidence at high levels; grabbed his hand and off we were to the battle field.

Our first brush with danger was with one four wheeler. He drew first blood. He tried to squeeze us from the side.We eyed each other, exchanged tirades. All the while, I advised my partner to have patience, "We will dominate him, he is heavy and we are stronger". And finally we did overpower him to leave him behind, but not before we became a victim of his most dangerous weapon, vehicle exhaust.

Gaining confidence, we reached the next stage in the battle, traffic stops with the watchmen in white, guarding them. It was a cake walk for us. I was kind of very intelligent for a young warrior. I applied strategy, took shortcuts and U turns on the slightest opportunity. Then we came across road blocks, the most gruesome part of the battle. My partner puffed and panted and we finally squeezed through.

Aah, finally, I could see my destination. I reminded myself, the battle is not won yet. I have to return to my base with the prize catch. I patted on my partners back and said “Let’s do it again, I am proud of you" He beamed with pride, a beam so powerful that blinded the enemies.

With relative ease, we were back at our base, Victorious. The enemies were now ranting and honking at our valor. We made them taste dust. With the bruises and stains of the battlefield, I looked into my partners eyes, could see him blink with appreciation.

I sang along my victory song "Hum Hogaye Kaamiyab, Is Dinnnn...”, and offered myself for someone to come and hug me; Alas, could find no takers.

I won my small battle but I am pretty sure that there is a bigger war ahead. So,battlefield, throw me a challenge and Ill enjoy locking horns with you.

ENTERTAINMENT QUOTIENT FROM THE LOONIES

A very good morning, am sitting on the table with my breakfast; I just could not help mocking and using swearwords. The reason being, two statements, that caught my eye on the front page of the daily newspaper. "Lalu admits lapse in security, no machines at stations to check what is inside luggage", "Britney`s hair could fetch millions”. My logic did comprehend as to why this piece of news was given the same font size as the train terror attack news that killed 67 Samjhauta Express passengers; Its got to do with this word that the current world can`t do without; 'Entertainment'.

That raises a very valid question, Is news dead? Is news giving way to entertainment? "Bombs were crude chemical cocktails", "Bodies were badly charred", “Compensation of 10 lakhs for kin...." sharing equal heading space and entertainment quotient with the statements that depict Lalu`s and Britney`s brain malfunctions.

It was when I heard "Mama, Britney ka shot maloom pada" (If you are wondering about the language, yes, I am Hyderabadi) from the fourth different individual today, I realized Lalu and Britney have a lot in common.They both get on my nerves and that they have a knack of pulling absurd statements from nowhere.They pull something else too, Britney pulls her head hair out whereas our Lalu pulls his ear hair out.

Britney; what was she trying to do? Get a tatoo on her wrist and her hip, and woo a bald alien? It surely does demonstrate that a meltdown does not negate the part of her brain responsible for maintaining her dumb aesthetics. Britney Spears Foundation might get $100 million richer but she might lose a 100 million brain cells with her act.

Samjhauta Express, a train that crosses the border, demands tight security 24*7; and our Lalu comes up with a statement "no machines at stations to check luggage". Pathetic. Simply pathetic. What is he doing with the railway allotted money? Pushing it up his fodder strewn a**? Is he not as responsible as a terrorist in claiming those lives?

As for terrorists, its celebration time, for they made their presence felt with a few more innocent lives.

They won’t cease, will they? "Entertainment" lives on for ‘terrorists’ be they masked or unmasked.

CAN`T LEAVE THEM BEHIND

You are walking on the beach, holding her hand,
where the golden surf cries out for land,
The heavy winds, dictates the fragile sand.

A sky, infinite, azure, motionless overhead,
The restless waves, boisterous and widespread.

You look at her;
an unrelenting grace,
the deepness, her eyes, the charm on her face;
Music of the ocean, the waves and their sound;
a peaceful smile, thoughts profound.

The gentle caress of the breeze across her face,
Not an illusion, certainly, the heart’s pace,
you pull her hair aside, very neat;
The gentle caress of the waves across her feet.

She looks at you;
fragile thoughts, comfortable, silent awareness;
simple actions, embrace, pure energy of being;
senses numb, feelings, content and security;
All drowning, drowning in her ocean, of love.

With every dream within reach,
the ocean comes in to kiss the beach.

A boat, far away, enticing the horizon,
memoirs written and hearts drawn;
Nothing but the ocean for miles, seen hardly;
Just the sunlight, and rejuvenating warmth,
of her presence, shining,
shining calmly.

As is fate, the time does not last,
your soul cries as she departs.
Soft tides, as you look back, and gaze,
footprints, water does gently erase.

Reliving the memory and keeping your solitude,
The footprints , inerasable, On the beach,
In your mind;
CAN`T LEAVE THEM BEHIND!!!
CAN`T LEAVE THEM BEHIND!!!

STUCK IN A MOMENT

This poem was written by a college friend. It's sad I met him just once in person and he left this with me.

------------------------------------------------------------------

You are looking up to see,
The splendid stars shining down;
Not a twinkle upon the sea,
A still wave, their ripples bound

Feeling the stillness, the cold
of the night, the trees, the wind;
their movements sold
Not a whisper in the dark
More than you, the silence bold

And a butterfly just a little far
pasted in the air, striving for motion
The beauty being in its struggle
waiting for the moment to pass

At last, you look into her eyes
feeling her hand, an everlasting bond
The patience dominating
daring the moment and its highs

Reading an epic,in her eyes,
in a moment,before it ends

Then it passed and she blinked,
in your arms she did sink

The waves roared and so did the trees
The butterfly flew and so did the time
And as you get up to leave, in your mind,
you still sieve
were you better off,
STUCK IN THAT MOMENT!!!!!

NO MORE TO LOSE

Half my life, spent, robot I was,
lots achieved, something missing,still
I see her, I dont know what to say
A spark, the need, the goodwill

A beautiful day, emotions, the longing,
The heart cries,the pain, the mind goes insane
I sway,dilemma, the selection,
I approach not,will there be, a rejection?

Fiction, I read not, romantic, no way,
why did this happen, can`t really say,
Pitiful my language, is this love?
"I love you", I said with a tear,
lost myself, the biggest fear

Still, the depth in my heart, does not fade away
The glory of togetherness; not here to stay
All feelings be superficial, I pray
machines, how good , they dont betray

Tear drops, the hurt has grown
Love is painful;feelings and emotions,
O Dear, you are not alone,
in the world of oceans

Alone , I want to be , O heart,
listen,best it is, than hurt, depart
O dear, realise you will , soon,
love someone, when, over the moon

I am happy, why should i not,
Achieved it though, at a cost,
everything is lost,

O dear, be in my shoes,
No more, there is, to lose
No more, there is, to lose

NEVER LEAVE ME ALONE

The protagonist with a candle stand in his shaking hand; makes himself cozy in a corner of the dark room. A pen and paper in his hand; finds solace in the weak glass panes battling the tyranny of the thunder at its prime. The screaming winds and the blazing lightning in total sync with the restless emotions in his mind.

Watching the rain outside, brings a feeble smile on his face, he sees a water drop coalesce with another of its kind.

Despair has its way.
As determined as possible, he writes "Meet We Shall". A headlight flashing at the window presents the impression, a mélange of raindrops waiting to be merged, on his paper. A tear striving to roll set against the light, speaking of intense feelings.

A gush of wind, the candle goes off. Completely numb, devoid of senses but the rush of emotions; Irony has its way. He pulls out a picture, a flash of lightning and he sees the picture of his love against the blue background, logic hopes.

A watery pool of tears accumulates, hoping for hope; he forces himself to sleep and dreams. As if he had his way, the rain stops and the winds tired. The moon peeps beyond the clouds and so does he. Above the clouds in the heavens,

He HUGS her and WHISPERS, "NEVER LEAVE ME ALONE"
And he was NEVER ALONE.

I WONDER

I wonder when the time would fall!
The time when there would be
no bitterness in the heart of all

On the lips of death, there would be laughter.
there would not be any sins thereafter

one day there would be life in the stones,
the time when mortals will stop making
monuments out of bones,
I perceive there would no longer be any moans

Mortals trying to search in the street of darkness,
forget that light is within them,
it is what they have got to learn to harness

one day criminals would shy,
one day death too would also quietly cry,
I wonder when the present would fly,
I sometimes wonder when that time would come by!

There would be storms raging in the deepness of the lung,
the lips would bear the silence of the dumb,
it is when the hatred would succumb
as if to life, happiness has been stung

i wonder when that time would come!!

INSEPARABLE ARE WE

Loads of wishes to a special friend
pleasure reigns as I ,these greetings send
your happiness should last till all things end

i am sorry i cant be with you today
when u should rule by the virtue of your birth
plz accept this tribute of mere words
poor substitute for all i am and have

In tough times , true it is hard
but what should i say about that smile
its time to rejoice in your own specialness awhile

Though I am not requesting but demanding
How else to make urself the celebration
Yet now you must endure my adoration

You might ask, why respect emotions
and why mingle
Let it go , i say, all things by a law divine
nothing in this world is single.

Doing this, to me does come naturally,
my friend..i am the mirror and your reflection in me
INSEPARABLE ARE WE!!!
INSEPARABLE ARE WE!!!